Beyond Humans: My Journey From Atheism To Spirituality

I turned 33 tonight. And I spend all night either writing fiction or thinking deep, slightly intellectual thoughts. I’ve rarely taken the time to write them down, so I’ve decided to do just that. Ramble on a bit.

For many years, I was an atheist. I was a fan of Bill Maher, Richard Dawkins, the usual atheist idols. Edgy you tubers like The Amazing Atheist really pushed that narrative on me as well. I was totally on the hype train of non-theism. I was probably in my teen years when it was at its height. I loved any movie that made fun of religion, I always thought things like oh, anyone who’d think in a magical sky daddy is so primitive. 

When I started working on a horse farm in my 20s, that’s sort of when my atheism was dying down. I don’t know what it was, but something about being among such beautiful creatures, being out in the sun made me sort of think that there’s more than just poof, you’re dead! Maybe a higher power was speaking to me through animals? Being in that warm sun, silently communicating with equines definitely did stir something in me. I thought something so pretty exists and I’m here to experience it. Why? Sure, it is evolution and animals have complex biology. But I then thought beyond that. But there’s some little…tick. Something that tells me more. Why am I not feeling this pull toward atheism anymore? Why when I’m asked about it do I not use the word atheism, I use agnostic or say I don’t know. 

Three thoughts came to me in my twenties. 

1. Eating Meat: When I would sit to eat meat, there was this sense that I was doing something bad. Something…inhuman. I took an animal and decided to tear it apart. Native Americans respected the animals they killed and ate. And I do too.

2. Death and Dying: My loved ones have either died or had close encounters with death, I suppose it was tough for me to believe okay, they’re gone. Bye. Once they’re gone, they’re in total darkness. That thought was unsettling. And I suspect that’s where religion starts for some.

3. Politics: The rise of right-wing fascism in the USA is terrifying. I’m scared for my LGBTQ+ friends, people of color, and the disabled. There must be something bigger than this, right? A place where peace is found. Like humans being greedy and mean can’t be all there is, right? Of course, many humans do beautiful things-but you get my point. 

And I think for a while I pushed these ‘deep’ thoughts aside. I was afraid to question my atheism. Because I held onto it for so long. I can’t be a theist or spiritual, right? That’s for fools and for otherwise smart people who, well, believe in something that doesn’t exist. They believe in fairytales about a virgin birth. I can’t be one of those, right?  Of course, I was so consumed by American Christianity I didn’t even think I could have my own thoughts. I thought I had to copy from the bible for some reason. 

I think what also pushed me was a few of my friends. I have many friends who believe in all sorts of spiritual things that don’t quite have a name. I realized that I don’t need to pray in a church or pick a major religion. I can do my own soul searching.

I started with a topic that interested me even when I made fun of religion. Native American spirituality. 

Now, that encompasses a lot. What I mean is two things. 

1. A general love of nature and earth. To respect it, to realize that we live on a gorgeous planet and we should love the trees, the dirt, the sun. To appreciate it.

2. The idea of respecting a dead animal before eating it. Saying a little prayer. To say just because I’m doing this, doesn’t mean I don’t think your life didn’t have value. To say that one day, I’m going to die and my soul / essence / energy is going into nature’s ground to nurture the plants and future animals. 

And I think it just took some watching of documentaries and some reading of quotes, I spent time cherry picking what I loved about their spirituality. Truly, it was so introspective. Everytime I went on a pretty walk or worked on the farm or listened to a beautiful symphony live, these thoughts would invade my head. Almost like there was a force saying hey, it’s okay to think beyond this. It’s okay to get emotional and to feel there’s something bigger than you out there. You don’t need to be an atheist if you don’t feel that way. It was a pleasant feeling. 

As an atheist,  I always thought the idea of a God would be intimidating or angry (old testament style.) I always thought it would be a feeling of a burden, that somehow I was being dishonest or foolish. But really, it was a gentle nudge. A nudge I couldn’t ignore. The nudges kept happening and happening.

So now in my 30s, what do I believe? Where did all this introspection lead too?  Now, I know spirituality can’t really be summed up like a dictionary. I know black and white answers aren't something religion usually is. But I’m going to try my best. 

Pantheism: The doctrine that the universe conceived of as a whole is God (in my case Gods) and, conversely, that there is no God but the combined substance, forces, and laws that are manifested in the existing universe.

Animism: Belief in innumerable spiritual beings concerned with human affairs and capable of helping or harming human interests. 

Now Animism is interesting because in my fight for social justice, I’ve sort of leaned into this. I think if one loves, is kind and tries their best? Their hearts will be joyful. It will be warm. They’ll have good vibes. Perhaps less nightmares and an easier time health wise. The spirits can sense this. Animals can sense it. 

If someone is full of hate and bigotry, they can also feel joy and happiness and be healthy. I mean look at some of the evangelicals who push anti-gay signs or the people in government. Yeah. They can be content, be rich, as unfair as it may seem. It’s true. But I don’t think it translates well into a supposed afterlife. I’m not banishing people to hell and heaven. I don’t really believe in hell. 

But I do think it means that a person is restless and will be restless until the end of time. That they have some darkness in them that causes them to never be 100% happy or content. They might think they are. But they feel a tinge of pain or depression or anger when they wake. 

To me, it means the attitude you put out into the universe, really does affect your standing with a higher power. I believe in multiple Gods / spirits (not sure what I’d call them), one for nature, love, hate, healing etcetera. So I do think being spiteful and hateful can lead to a sort of inner spiritual decay. 

Now, getting off the topic of bullies, I actually think social anxiety or any anxiety or feelings of discontentment and depression and an over active brain is something that is spiritual as well. When good people have mental illness, why is that? My theory is this. 

You sense that the world’s spirits are restless. You sense that evil has been done through the entire world and your body can pick up on that. Your mind is overwhelmed because you know that humans aren’t 100% loving and kind and that the world can be a dark and cruel place and has been. The blood of slaves and whatever other dark deeds mankind has done, seeps into our very soul. The German word Weltschmerz comes to mind. Which is the feeling experienced by an individual who believes that reality can never satisfy the expectations of the mind, resulting in "a mood of weariness or sadness about life arising from the acute awareness of evil and suffering"  

On another topic, I have many trans and non-binary friends. I love them. And yes, scientifically there are some answers to why a mind and body might not ‘work’ together. And it’s a tough thing to come to terms with. Imagine not feeling right in your own body? 

So partly I think it’s due to spirits. Whatever happened when these people were born, the spirit of their true gender is in them. But their body doesn’t match the soul. Why did this happen? I really don’t know. Mistakes can be made, even by all mighty beings. It’s a glitch in the system. Now do I admit it’s all ‘guess work’? Yes. Of course. It’s my theory. But it’s my faith. And it’s something I can tell anyone who’s anti-LGBTQ and who happens to be religious I guess. 

Now that I think spirits are real, it’s opened up my mind quite a bit. It’s helped explain big questions, which is I suppose a big drive for any religion. To answer the unknowable. Or at least have a good guess. A leap of faith.

  In the end, I don’t think my beliefs make me a better person, nor do I think it’ll make anyone else magically become amazing. But it is something I hold onto. When times get dark. I think of the animal spirits watching me, I think of the plants and trees watching me, through the eyes of every living, loving being from the beginning of time. It is my choice to believe these things. It’s something that’s meaningful to me. And I would never take something personal and positive away from someone. I hope others have the same courtesy as me.